2013-02-26 19.23.35Dear Doug The Dog,

You’ve been living with us for some time now and I realize I have neglected you in my writing habits. I write notes and emails to the kids, colleagues, special friends and family and yet for no reason other than your complete lack of reading skills , I have failed to offer you the same attention. Clearly I must rectify this immediately.

I should probably start by telling you that I am not your real Mother. You may have already suspected this given the lack of furry brown hair on my body and my preference for walking upright on two legs. I can confirm that you are adopted.

In addition to this, the children, (the loud, hyper active small versions of me that live with us) are also not your blood brothers and sisters, though they truly love you as much – if not more from the way they treat each other – then if you were.

Now that awkwardness is over with let me tell you how lucky we are to have you in our family. You are an excellent dog, great with the kids, a bit abusive with the furniture but aren’t we all. I really appreciate your grasp of the toilet being an outdoor thing even though we have those strange contraptions inside we use with the flush and the gushy water. May I also say I am incredibly impressed with your ability to sleep. Your stamina and endurance in this field is unrivaled.

You are the very best running companion a girl could wish for, though perhaps you could fake a little fatigue after a few miles to make me feel better about the effects of distance on my body in comparison to yours? Just something to think about, of course I won’t hold you to it if you see a squirrel.

I am very curious about your leg cocking habits – it really seems to me that once you run out of urine the leg cocking should stop? You’ll have to excuse me if I am missing some subtle dog toilet etiquette, but does raising your leg and spraying nothing but air really give the same satisfaction? Do you realize your bladder is empty and are just showing off for any lady dogs who might be close by? Or do you imagine you are always producing a steady stream?

That reminds me – what’s the deal with the lying on your back with your legs in the air? I think I have a photo so you’ll know what I’m talking about…

2013-02-24 22.45.45

I enjoy lying down as much as the next mammal, but surely it makes no sense to hold your legs up in the air like that? It can’t be restful. Normally I would think this means you want your belly scratching, but we both know you’ve fallen asleep in this position many times, no potential belly scratchers around, to be woken rudely when your limbs give in to gravity.

If I could make a request while I’m here. Could you please stop treating every open door as an opportunity for a dog on child neighborhood race? I know you love to run, but it really can be quite frustrating when it’s time for school and you monopolize a momentary slip in child door handling to run out onto the street. It’s really quite dangerous as well, there are plenty of drivers just as bad as me out there – a couple are even worse! I haven’t met any personally, but I’m pretty sure it’s true.

Before I go, a couple of answers to things I know you must wonder about…

The whole hose pipe, bath time, shampoo and towel dry situation – I know you don’t like it, but the truth is we do it because… well, how to put it delicately… you smell. It’s called a shower. Try not to look so personally offended when we give you one, it’s one of the ways we show we care and that our weak human noses are working.

The reason you eat the same food every day and we eat different things? It’s because I’m cheap and unimaginative. Sorry about that. Feel free to continue picking up the kids scraps if I don’t get there first. And no, the three second rule does not apply to you.

Finally, I have no idea why the kids are so loud. I know your hearing is sensitive so I can only imagine what they must sound like to you. Feel free to lick them on the lips when they are being loud. That would be a very effective way of getting them to close their mouths promptly and would be a great help to me.

I love you Doug the Dog. You are an excellent friend, companion and all round adorable mutt. I apologize for not writing sooner, but you know how these things are. Or possibly not, as you are a dog.

Love,

The Big Shouty Running Lady you live with.

 

Dear Dog

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